Review Article :
Shame is a painful, universal emotional response
to a failure, shortcoming, or other wrongdoing of what society demands or what
a person demands of him or herself. Scientists have learned that very young
infants experience shame (as a personal feeling of unworthiness and shame),
when they experience rejection-even if it is unintentional. Children, who are
admonished for doing something over which they have limited or no control, are
also capable of feeling shame. On a more serious, long-lasting scale, physical
and sexual abuse and other traumatic experiences, particularly those that
happen directly to the child, without adequate intervention, may lead to the
development of shame as well. Considering the origin of the shame-wound is
critical as well. If one is the child of abusive and/or addicted parents, their
shame could have been an emotional and psychological transplant. Assessing if
the shame is a consequence of actions, inactions, or someone elses conflicts,
can allow for internal conflict resolution. Based on the extensive research and data available,
psychologists consider that shame cultivates from the need for approval from
others. Shame can result when a person senses, or experiences, that someone
disapproves of them or something about them. Shame also can result when a
person actually did something shameful, like doing harm or damage to a person,
their property, or to animals. A person can also experience shame as an adult,
when something happens that they have little or no control over. For example, being unable to afford an expensive vehicle,
take a vacation, or other items that peers or neighbors may be sporting.
Another common example is shame with spilling drinks or food, especially in
public places, or with family members that have a history of shaming members
over [1]. It is important to distinguish between shame and guilt, two
emotions that are not the same, although they can be experienced at the same
time, from the same cause. Guilt is an emotional reaction to a specific
behavior, or failure to act on something. The theme of guilt is having done
something wrong, and that one must make an amends. Since guilt is usually attached only to that certain failing,
it dispels once the person makes a proper amends. In contrast to guilt, shame
is a pervasive feeling of not measuring up, or of downright failure. Sometimes
the feeling is fleeting and is a result of a small breach of social norms. For
example, mindlessly spitting gum on to the street instead of properly putting
it in a garbage can. In more serious and prolonged sense of unworthiness, shame
can be the consequence of cold disapproval, toxic rejection, abuse
or neglect- of the persons parent, caregiver, or significant other [1]. The distress caused by shame can be inspired by both positive
and a negative cognition
and motivation. The thinking that supports socially acceptable behaviors, like
dressing appropriately, keeping ones work area neat and clean, and not
littering, are examples of positive cognition utilized to avoid shame. The
motivation is a positive and necessary one, and any well-functioning society
will have citizens motivated by a healthy degree of shame. The unhealthy side
of shame is if the thinking that results from others disapproval, becomes a
crushing and sweeping feeling of a lack of self-worth. This toxic shame may have its roots in chronic exposure to
conditions that cause shame. Conditions, events, or circumstances that cause a
question about ones value can cause shame. There are numerous conditions that
can trigger shame, triggered by failures or disappointments, and it does not
necessarily have to be rooted in childhood trauma. The
way that shame feels depends on the person experiencing it, and on the
cognition that is involved. For example, if a student fails an entrance exam,
the thoughts surrounding the seriousness of the shortcoming, will determine the
degree of shame to be felt. In a less serious case, such as making a mistake,
forgetting someones name, or dropping the ball on a project unintentionally,
shame may be experienced as a warm sensation, blushing, or a need to divert ones
gaze [1]. Other manifestations of shame can be shyness and self-consciousness,
especially when a person is fearful of doing something that might cause
embarrassment. Some psychologists consider bullying as an externalization of
ones unresolved feelings of shame and inadequacy. When a person has the feeling
that nothing, they do is correct, or meets needs and expectations of others,
they are experiencing an inferiority complex. Most psychologists will attest to
an inferiority complex as the most severe display of shame. Withdrawal in many
ways to avoid any disapproval is a typical coping mechanism with this form of
shame. Withdrawal and being disengaged from loved ones and friends, often
triggers the very thing the person is trying to avoid, which is disapproval. This disapproval can intensify the feelings of shame for the
person and is problematic if it leads to any form of self-harm. Some positive
interventions for lessening or removing shame can be to amend personal
standards. By doing so, one can allow for imperfection, not blame themselves
when a situation does not merit it and admitting feelings of shame to a trusted
friend. Also, talking things through, especially as they pertain to ones shame,
can shed new light, and provide a more accurate perspective that reduces or
eliminates shameful feelings [1]. Shame can be experienced as a desire to avoid a particular
circumstance, person, or environment, related to the transgression, or a
reminder of it. Often times, shame and guilt are coupled together however there
are some notable differences. The most significant difference is that guilt is
attached to a particular event. A second component of guilt is behavior that
was intentional. Shame, on the other hand, is an emotional experience of an
all-encompassing failure. Sometimes this emotional experience is because of
unintentional actions or not taking any action at all. Some degree of shame is
necessary in aiding to conform behavior as appropriate. However,
disproportionate or undeserved shame may adversely burden a persons
psychological, and by extension, their physical health. Shame that is unhealthy, or toxic, is about a persons
beliefs; specifically, if these beliefs are a threat to ones social position,
including fear of devaluation and rejection [2]. There are several universal,
classic behavioral responses to shame, to include hiding and social withdrawal.
One tragic perpetuation of childhood abuse, if
shame has its origins in this regard, is that the experience of devaluation and
rejection hinders the person from disclosing what happened. This culminates in
a lonely and isolated existence, even in the presence of other people. Researchers Dodson and Beck (2017) found that shame was a
mediator between Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder (PTSD) symptoms and negative anticipations to social
networks [3]. If the origins in ones shame-based experiences are related to
violence, it may reduce the individuals ability to protect themselves or seek
out necessary protection. Also, shamed-based people as a result of
interpersonal violence may motivate the person to pursue maladaptive peer
groups. One possible explanation for this is because of shame-related beliefs
that other social alternatives do not have. Another explanation is that having
unhealthy, unwarranted shame may obstruct with self-protection and
self-assertion. Because shame is so painful, people may use alcohol or other
substances to assuage the pain. In an endless loop, without a mitigating
intervention, these behaviors can place them at risk of victimization. Such
victimization can include a repeat of similar family of original relationship
patterns and dynamics, risky
behaviors, poor self-care that leads to harm, and other painful repetition
compulsions. Another major adaptation of unresolved shame is that shame-based
people tend to keep secrets. Maintaining a secret vault, sealed off by shame,
comes at a price to ones well-being. Secrecy has been found to be interrelated
with depression, anxiety, and lower physical health. The disguise of secrecy
causes distraction, loneliness, disconnect, and places a barrier to true
intimacy with others. Interesting to note, is that what reliably predicts lower
well-being is the frequency of mind wandering to (not concealing) secrets [4]. It is pertinent to the discussion of shame and emotions, to
specify that shame is a self-conscious emotion. As a self-conscious emotion,
shame has more important consequences for secrecy, dissimilar to more basic
emotions, like anger and fear for example. This is because basic emotions like
anger, fear, or joy, can denote to external targets. Emotions that are of the
self-conscious variety, center on the self, therefore, secrets often entail
negative self-relevant information. Therefore, negative self-conscious
emotions-stimulated through contemplation on how an event is relevant to
self-representations-most likely will continue to fuel shame [4]. In mapping
out shame and relevant guilt, it is helpful to note that these emotions reside
in the private self. The private self contains ones secrets, in contrast to
embarrassment, for example, which refers to the public self. Shame-related emotions are frequently associated with moral
reasoning, and secrets usually contain moral violations [5]. The advantage of
linking guilt and shame with different appraisals and phenomenologies is to
increase emotional literacy. If addressing it in the context of a treatment
plan, knowing what emotion is typically associated with what behavior provides
for a targeted intervention. For example, since guilt is usually attendant with
negative evaluations of the ones behavior coupled with feeling remorse,
addressing the concrete reasons for the guilt would be a good start. If the
client was raised in a guilt-induced environment, dishonestly assigned guilt
and blame, or other maladaptive coping styles, the client may benefit from
taking a close, inventoried look at the behaviors they feel are not moral. Sometimes conducting a reality-check, asking the client to
itemize their guilt-inducing behaviors, can provide a greater awareness and
clarity, thereby reducing the guilt. As previously stated, shame is the product
of having a negative appraisal of the self and feeling helpless or small [5].
Often, in traumatic
experiences, shame results when one feels that they could have been
effective or prevented the trauma. Shame runs deep and throughout families
where inter-generational problems, addictions, and compulsions have gone
unattended. Recent studies suggest that having to keep a secret hidden in
a social interaction should predominantly track how often one encounters
conversations related to the secret topic. However, repetitive mind wandering
to a secret should track more maladaptive coping efforts [6,7]. Therefore, it
follows that shame and guilt will be correlated to mind wandering rather than a
cover-up. In addressing the aspects of guilt with a client, it is important to
bring to the clients awareness, their negative evaluation of the behavior, and
subsequent remorse. This provides a clear starting point for the therapist to
prompt the client in discussing their adaptive coping mechanisms with
stressors. With regards to features of shame, which is a negative evaluation of
the self, and feeling helpless, it would be helpful to prompt the client to
discuss their maladaptive coping skills and attitudes. The treatment goal would
be to minimize the shame-based repetitive mind wandering to a secret, and with
their guilt, to lessen their mind wandering to a secret. Hopefully, this leads
the client to more inner resolution, and more adaptive, consciousness, aware,
coping responses. Considering the origin of the shame-wound is critical as
well. If one is the child of abusive and/or addicted parents, their shame could
have been an emotional and psychological transplant.
Assessing if the shame is a consequence of actions, inactions, or someone elses
conflicts, can allow for internal conflict resolution. Can we voluntarily control our emotions, including shame?
This is an important question, and the answer is that emotions can be
controlled. A healthy approach to controlling emotions would include sufficient
self-awareness of emotional triggers and practicing of appropriate coping
skills. Without a decision to be self-aware, have good impulse control, and
regular self-assessment, emotions
will run the show. Shame can be triggered when feeling stressed, angry,
in-love, or by other emotions that involve our self-worth. Overall, people want
to feel valued, with self-worth, and worthy of love and belonging. There are
situations that we do not have control over our environment, but we can be good
stewards of our thoughts. This gets better with time and diligent practice. It is advisable to live in, and continually co-create an
environment that is supportive, healthy and other-centered. Shame and guilt
thrive in environments that are self-centered, critical, intolerant, or
abusive. Removing oneself may spare a lot of ongoing and unnecessary
aggravation. Otherwise, the average person will end up influenced and triggered
in some way. This can create unnecessary suffering from and can hinder gains
made in therapy. Building a reservoir of positive life actions, to increase
self-esteem as a buffer for shame, involves a supportive environment, beginning
with ones thoughts. Practicing patience is critical to the process of healing
shame, reducing the intensity of triggers, and choosing healthy responses when
triggered. It can be likened to a person who is recovering from an illness or operation
and must take caution not to undo the effects of the treatment, for as long as
it takes. As hard as it may be for the person, without patience, they
can do serious damage to themselves. So too, a person who has made strides in
lessening a shame trigger must be exceedingly careful in that area, even after
they no longer experience significant interference with it. Gaining an
increased level of awareness, self-compassion, more
emotional freedom, true understanding and knowledge, combined with the right
action, may lessen pain and increase genuine joy. All of these are advisable
actions, thought processes and goals, in moving towards a shame reduction
trajectory. 1. Ungvarsky
J. Shame (social emotion) (2019) Salem Press Encyclopedia. 2. Aakvaag
HF, Thoresen S, Strøm IF, Myhre M and Hjemdal OK. Shame predicts
revictimization in victims of childhood violence: A prospective study of a
general Norwegian population sample (2019) Psychol Trauma: Theory, Res, Prac
Policy 11: 43-50. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0000373
3. Dodson TS
and Beck JG. Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms and attitudes about social
support: Does shame matter? (2017) J Anxiety Dis 47: 106-113. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2017.01.005
4. Slepian
ML, Kirby JN and Kalokerinos EK. Shame, guilt, and secrets on the mind (2019)
Emotion. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/emo0000542
5. Tracy JL
and Robins RW. The self in self-conscious emotions: A Cognitive appraisal
approach (2007) Tracy JL, Robins W and Tangney JP. (Eds) NY: Guilford Press,
New York, pp. 3-20. https://doi.org/10.1037/e633912013-033
6. Slepian
ML, Chun JS and Mason MF. The experience of secrecy (2017) J Personality Soc
Psychol 113: 1-33. 7. Slepian
ML and Moulton-Tetlock E. Confiding secrets and well-being (2018) Soc Psychol
Personality Sci 10: 472-484. https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550618765069
Rivka A Edery, M.S.W, L.C.S.W, School of Behavioral Sciences, Southern
California University, USA, Tel: (361) 704-4051, E-mail: rebecca.edery@gmail.com
Edery RA. Is chronic shame a life sentence? (2019) Edelweiss Psyi Open Access
3: 22-24. Shame, Projection, Approval, Guilt,
Self-honesty.Is Chronic Shame a Life Sentence?
Abstract
Full-Text
Background
The Role of Cognition in Shame
Manifestations of Shame
Shame and Guilt: Together but
Separate
Shame and Guilt as Distractors
Conclusion
References
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